Date: 2018-02-28 14:28
Hello, I hope that everyone is doing well. I have been working on not worrying so much about my husband 8767 s ex and her new life and family and more on my family and me. I know I still have work to do. Life for my family is changing and for the better, however, I find that there are still a few areas that I revert back to getting upset about, and yet there is not much I can do about it. I just learned that my hubby 8767 s ex and her hubby have left for the weekend (today is Thursday) and have left my step-*censored*s to their own devices, fully aware that we are working full-time and we don 8767 t live or work near her home. We are also a family with only 6 vehicle so we need to coordinate as well. I am sorry but that just seemed like a selfish act on her part. She could have either taken them with her, or waited an extra day. I know for me personally, my *censored*s are much older and are able to be left to their devices, in fact, they could drive out and meet me later, but my *censored* SC is not even a teen yet. Maybe it is just me, wondering why she just seems to be rather selfish at times.
I also found out that my husband 8767 s ex told my *censored* SC, that she really doesn 8767 t like the fact that she wants to live with her Dad and I, as she doesn 8767 t think our marriage will last, she put this in my SC 8767 s mind, thank goodness she is home more than not and sees for herself that is not the case.
I guess we just have two different styles of parenting and they mix like oil and water and I am not quite sure how to make this all work so we are all happy, especially when my husband has asked me to speak with his ex and when I attempt to she gets annoyed and calls him on it and therefore, nothing comes of it.
My ex happens to stay right out of my family, and with our *censored*ren being older, we have less to do with one another. Thankfully when we do we argue less unfortunately when we argue we argue.
My *censored*ren are at the point where they do not like my their SD 8767 s ex, for more than one reason. And my older SC is now turning out to have the same attributes and attitude as her Mom, which makes it very difficult when she comes over, as she does not get along with any of the *censored*ren and I grin and bear it, even her Dad has kicked her out of the house and sent her back to her Mom 8767 s. Now my oldest SC comes to our house very very seldom, and when she does, she doesn 8767 t even stay for one night. She finds reasons to get into fights (usually with her own sibling) and then leaves.
If I could figure out how to work/live with this, I am sure my stress levels would decrease. My stress levels have gotten so high, that I am now have a medical condition, which my hubby and I are seeing doctors for, but I am not able to not work etc. to take care of this
*sorry for the length*
I 8767 m dating a guy with a great *censored*. He asked me to move in. His one daughter lives with her mom and has a great life there with parents that are well off because mom dumped my boyfriend as soon as she started making money, even though he supported her through her college and being out of work, etc. So with my boyfriend 8767 s job, he doesn 8767 t get to see his daughter a lot, and I help out with logistics of driving her back home as needed, or picking her up. This *censored* has grandparents, aunts and uncles. She is loved and adored by all, and they all flock to all of her events. I work and have a long commute and have just a few obligations and interests of my own, and I don 8767 t always go to ever event or parade she 8767 s in. She tells her dad this is hurtful and then I get a lecture from him. Now dad and daughter do things together without me sometimes there just isn 8767 t money for 8 to go, and all of the expensive things are the two of them. When we go out for dinner, who pays 85% of the time? Me. So I feel like I 8767 m doing my part and helping the whole system work. But if we go to a movie, the daughter tries to dictate that she sits between my boyfriend and me instead of him sitting in the middle. When I was a *censored*, I had no say in anything I was one of 9 and I did not have an opinion anybody wanted to hear. If we were going someplace, I just had to shut up and go. I certainly didn 8767 t have the gall to tell people who could sit next to whom. It is logical to me that in a theater, he sits in the middle so we can both talk to him. He is the reason his daughter and I even know each other, and while I give her all the time with her dad she wants, I don 8767 t think it 8767 s right to physically be in between us. Also, if her dad is watching TV on his bed, she hops onto my side of the bed without asking, making me feel she is not respecting my space and is pushing me out. I think she should ask her dad to make room and he should slide over and make room for her instead of taking over my side of the bed. Boyfriend thinks that 8767 s being ridiculous. I think his daughter is great, but I think everybody feels sorry for her because her parents divorced, and they give her her way constantly, and then expect me to do the same. I don 8767 t insert myself between her and her dad, so I don 8767 t see why she should do it to me. If she wants her dad to herself, then I don 8767 t see why I should go with them anywhere when she comes over. My boyfriend wants me there well of course he does I help pay for things! So why am I treated like the step*censored* while his *censored* is treated like royalty? I am at least an equal, and now that I 8767 m adult, why is the *censored* running things? I wish every *censored* was #6 in their parent 8767 s or at least SOMEBODY 8767 s life. But since when in life does somebody have to be #6 in every person 8767 s life? That 8767 s not balanced or normal. If she didn 8767 t have a mother, it would be a completely different situation, but she has an A+ mother. Anybody would wish to have such a mother.
After searching for a site I could relate to, here it is. I thank you.
After reading, I must say, that I almost feel the reserse. For years, I bit my tongue, I did not get involved in argument not scheduling of my stepdaughters. We had a system to share all of our schedules and we would do our parenting for all of our *censored*ren, without the ex 8767 s input into how we ran our family. In the past 8 years, my husband has basically become unemployed due to the lack of his ex helping the girls schedules, to the point he became a stay-at-home Dad for all of us. The unfortunate part to this, is that she would take advantage of this, to the point that my husband and I no longer have time to spend alone let alone with friends, as she would say that she wants her own time, which she has always had more than we ever have had. Her CLH takes her travelling more than anyone I know, and of course without the *censored*ren. There has always been fights, struggles in her family amongst her and her daughters, about many things, I could go into detail, how I feel that it is just the way that they were taught tihngs by Mom, but I won 8767 t go down that road, we all parent in our different ways. Recently, my husband chose to take his ex back to family court, after she told us that she wanted us to have the girls half of the time, (which we have the *censored* 95% of the time anyhow), and we noticed that with the increases in living expenses, we no longer could afford to be paying the *censored* supports my husband had been paying her, even when being primarliy unemployed, so the other factor in the court hearings, was to reevaluate the *censored* support based on his current income, which in fact would be something, as we were told, that if the custody agreement was split, there was not payments to be provided to either parent, however, we were willing to still provide just not to the extent we do currently. My husband and his ex chose to talk, to come to an agreement before heading to court, she pulled out her expenses and began to cry asking why he is doing this to her, which made me so angry. My husband not only drives to her home to get the girls ready for *censored*, to *censored* but we also prepare their lunches at home for them. His ex doesn 8767 t have to do anything but get ready to go to work, which I might add is a p/t job, which she could apply for f/t and help not only herself out but everyone else in this situation. Her CLH is more than capable of supporting her currenlty but she refuses to have him pay for certain things, instead she wants my husband to. The hard part, was my husband fell for her crying and put the court on hold, as she requested, so that she could get her affairs in order, as my husband left their meeting very upset and said that the Judge can then figure this out a few days later, her lawyer contacted my husband.
I am doing my best to not get too involved, but as much as this is their fight, this includes me and our family.
In the past, we would be friendly and do family dinners together, if nothing more than the *censored*s, at one point it did feel almost like a friend type bond but at an arms length.
Now I do not want to have her in my home, as I feel she is being unreasonable. She has no idea how difficult this can be on everyone.
I do not want to go to my husband just yet to ask how things are coming along, I would like to give some breathing room, as I support him going through this.
However, I will not brush this off like it is just the way things are, I find it too uncomfortable to see her dressed all up and being able to get her nails etc. done while I cringe at the thought of buying the one pair of shoes I would love to have for the summer.
I haven 8767 t read all the comments as there are a lot but I have read enough to feel I would like to express my views. I think Emma misses the point of being a parent in the first place. I understand life happens and everyone deserves to be happy (I am a divorced mum of two amazing *censored*s and I am now engaged to an amazing man). Yes of course it 8767 s hard work integrating a new person into an established family with *censored*ren but most things worth having don 8767 t come easy. To me, the point of being a parent is providing a stable, loving home, ensuring that your *censored*ren know how important they are and that their needs are seen as a priority. How a *censored* is treated in their *censored*hood sets them up for life. *censored*ren that feel important and loved will no doubt grow up feeling secure and have good self esteem and that is the job you take on as parent. It 8767 s the most important job a person can have in their life, being responsible for the how another person will feel about themselves throughout the rest of their life. It should not be taken lightly. It is not a lifestyle choice it 8767 s is a huge responsibility. My *censored*ren are shared equally between their dad and I and the *censored*ren enjoy two stable loving households with two sets of loving parents. My partner does not have *censored*ren of his own at the moment but he loves me and makes the biggest effort he can with the *censored*ren. in turn they love him and he loves them. it 8767 s not always easy but family life isn 8767 t anyway. MY partner knows how much I love him but he knows and accepts I have to put the *censored*s needs first as does he. We have time together when the *censored*s are with their dad and put the *censored*s at the centre of our world when we have them. My partner sometimes does boy stuff with my son and I spend time with my daughter. *censored*ren should come first. Any decent parent would think that. Emma, if you are just dating people they certainly do not deserve to come before your *censored*ren. You are putting yourself first there. I think if everyone put the *censored*s needs so that mums and dads got equal access, then step families would be easier too. I know this is not always possible but a selfless attitude towards *censored*s should always be the priority to me. Taking the decision to have *censored*ren is a massive responsibility and the least a parent can do is ensure they are given the best *censored*hood possible to give them the best start in life. Yes the *censored*s will put their partners first as an adult but that 8767 s totally different. Parents make sacrifices not *censored*ren. That 8767 s how it works. ALl I want is for my *censored*s to grow up stable and happy. I want them to find a loving partner and enjoy life. I have the capacity and maturity to love both my *censored*ren and partner and show them this. We try our best to be a family. Anyone who tries to justify being a selfish parent should look at the outcome of their work in twenty, thirty, forty years. If their *censored*ren are functional and happy people, then great. Its fine to put your *censored*s second. But you won 8767 t know until it 8767 s too late. Is it really works the risk?? To fail at the most important and precious job given to you in life? I don 8767 t think so.